Self-Portrait of Adultery (Part Three)
I don’t know where I am in this situation. At the moment where you and her placed me, somewhere back and far below. Confused. It would be satisfying to know that you regret, that it was only a slipping, it happened once and would not repeat, possibly never.
What offends me is that you preferred another woman, you chose her over me and it seems that everything between us was insignificant in this emotion of yours. But what offends me most is that you’ve been lying to me. Not that you didn’t what to hurt me but rather not to interfere your plans and spoil your intentions. You’ve been lying for days, weeks, we were making love and minutes after that you have sent mails to her…You have discussed me with indulgent neglect how jealous and problematic I am and how due to my pettiness and jealousy our family and you specifically probably can’t succeed at all having female friends.
How much does this offend me? Well I’m not sure how much. I lost ten kilos, I started smoking; I can’t think of anything else, I got kind of an arrhythmia. Probably it offends me a lot. I’m angry with the easiness you look at the situation. Your sense that what happened is a matter-of-course since men are like that and you need this and it’s just not related to me, nothing personal. The solution for you is to open my view of life, now I’m too elementary and limited and I limit your freedom and personal space.
Can I understand? Yes, I definitely can, I’m all in all a quite understanding person. I can also forgive. This time. But I cannot accept that this will probably happen again and became a living style. And you neither could nor would give any guarantees; anyway it’s not possible, it’s clear that life is unpredictable.
I don’t know how much time I’ll need to left what happened behind, now I’m stuck in and fail. The options as I see them now are two: either to accept that this is you and be with you or we part if I fail. The benefits will be mostly for me, the losses will be for all of us. Or vice versa.
This evening we talked a lot, we quarreled again, sometimes it seems so wrong to be with you as if we drink each other our nice energy. So many bad things we have said to each other over the years that for me specifically it is hard to believe the good things I hear. Sometimes I feel as if I’m walking against myself when I‘m with you but I have no power to cut this irregularity. Moreover this feeling is only occasional. I’m really very confused; I just don’t know how to deal with this situation. With myself, it’s clear.
I know I have to get away from you for a while, from the situation to think over the things and myself but I always haven’t enough strength to do it. And I have nowhere to go. I haven’t been in such a deep depression for a long time.
I left for a few days with the kids, I needed some distance. But it was not enough. I thought I could manage to “restart” to start over. It’s not working. It’s such a torture for me, maybe because of the ease with which you accept it and expect me to accept it the same. Well I can’t succeed. I can’t be happy. I don’t know if I could go on, I really don’t. You think it’s because of my strong ego. Maybe you’re right, I have no humility.
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Once again I’m sending you to read something selected from the dozens of materials I’ve read over the past weeks. I know you’re not reading them but I keep on sending hoping each time that now you will turn around, you will finally understand and see how deeply you have hurt me, how unforgivably strong you have sinned and would want to be again with me, only with me for I’m the only one for you, the mother of your children, the woman you have chosen, yourself voluntarily to share your life with. And then again I’m sending the next material. With the same hope.
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You’re asking me what kind of couple I think we are… Not of the most functioning. Obviously.
And what kind of couple do you think we are?
A couple that needs a little bit of working and would have a brilliant future together? With regular reloading? When you feel the impulse? No?
I just find it hard to believe it…
And then you ask me if I still love you…No doubt. I love you a lot. But you betrayed my love. And now I don’t know if I could go on with a clean slate. The doubt and expectation that this may happen again will stay within me from now on. And I’m not sure if I could live with that.
I’m thinking of our home, our first real home, and all the plans for it, our dreams coming real little by little. I have a nice feeling about this place and know it is right for me to be there. I thought it is right for all of us, but after what happened I’m a bit hesitant. As if I lost the ground beneath and there is nothing to step on to. It sounds like a cliché but that’s what I feel.
You say you wish we were together there. And you’ll try to be a good husband, lover, friend and father…
You are. You have always been. It’s just that you need other things/women…and no matter how you try to suppress them one day you will fail and this will happen again.
I also wish we were together. There and everywhere else. I just don’t know how to deal with myself and all of this. And how to satisfy my needs in parallel which are mutually exclusive with yours.
I need to be the only one.
And I want it to be with you. But you can’t.
We are running in a vicious circle. Because of the difference in our needs and interests. You will try to limit yourself to go against yourself and this will not work for long. And I also want to know that I’m the only one because you want it that way, not because you’re making all efforts and are fighting with your inner self.
I do not want to part. I just don’t know how we can be together without going against ourselves. You don’t know either but you say you will try to clean yourself for the energy and thoughts. And start behaving adequately.
I’m trying to understand and accept what happened but for the moment I can’t succeed.
I want to be the only one. And I don’t want to be lied to that’s vital for me. Perhaps more than the other thing.
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Three weeks later I understood that by the time we have had this conversation you have spoken with Her again. You called seven times.
I stayed again.
It’s high time to understand that you, good or bad and probably neither of it, are my mirror. I am the thing that reflects in you. I despise you both from the bottom of my heart for what you did to me. And most of all I despise myself for keep on participating in this.
I understood I can’t make a focused decision. Now I’m just waiting to see how things will go on. Or sooner me. To feel the things so that I have no remorse I’m acting inadequately against you, that’s what a true friend advised me. To feel the spirit of the things so that I’m not subject to manipulations and the decision must come from the depths of my heart, not through mind for the truth of God is revealed within the open hearts and souls not through the reasoning mind. Exactly this is our ignorance and misery which can make us happy – the courage or stupidity to trust when we have all the reasons not to do it. And no cosmic law or celestial star is stronger than this! I want you to know that. And let Her know it too.
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I wish I had faith and humility.
And the weak, the human, the female is too strong within me…I wish I could go on living with the illusion of our unbreakable strength and relationship. Now it’s like I have nowhere to lean on, I’m drifting apart. I’m losing you, but most of all I’m losing myself. Because through you I’m living myself and this is so wrong. And all that happens is so natural.
There is no slap stronger, more controlling and sobering that the fierce slap of life. And yes, if you don’t feel the push if you don’t understand the stumbling if you don’t sense the falling the Universe has not much other possibilities but to smash you through the most vulnerable part of you.
And yes I know that for many people my situation is “So what!” but for me the other people’s fallings are small worries too. Pain is pain. And is so real. And God is really faithful staying beside us and guiding us gently – or with power when it is hard to be understood so that we don’t turn aside from the road. Does it sound fanatical? It is not. For the road to be faithful to God and the Universe is to be faithful to ourselves – everyone with his talents received from Him or Her. By expressing our talents we express His act and remaining faithful to our deepest true self we bow to Her, to the Universal impeccability and majesty. And this makes us part of the united and consubstantial integrity of the Being and Nothingness and they are the different expression of one and the same higher power.
Staying with you I’m also cheating. Myself.
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I just need to pray more but I never find time and opportunity.
To be continued…