Transition

Self-Portrait of Adultery (Part Six)

 

11.September.2015

You fell in love with this woman. A lot.

Three weeks after you returned from our nine months separation.

Yes, she is lovely. So? There are thousands of lovely women… I still cannot accept what happened. You claim that there was nothing that things are over…  You lied to me a lot, several times. Even after I entered your mail and read everything. Very ugly, very.  Now I don’t know what to do or how to go on. I thought we would part. But for now, I cannot take a decision…

I lost weight. Started smoking again, a lot…

I don’t understand why … is it some fear? Complexes? Or do you just love her and can’t stop yourself? And you will leave me, just as you left your former wife for me.

 

– – – – – – – – –

 

I don’t know how to take care of myself, or what kind of help I should seek. I collapsed – I don’t know how to go on, and I don’t think that help can come from outside. This situation shows me something, I have to figure out what … One sometimes just needs to change the perspective and it opens the door to another reality … I continue to fight with myself, I became very estranged from you and don’t know how things will go on. I’m aware that the choices I make are my personal responsibility.

 

– – – – – – – – –

 

When we married your soul became my soul my heart became yours. We are one heart and one soul. I deeply believe in that.  How could you hurt your soul and your heart? How could you betray yourself?

I know how.

You don’t believe in anything.

Only in your misunderstood freedom. Listen to this then: you are free to make choices and you are responsible for the consequences of the choices you make. Your free will and your free choice reflected on five other human beings, except on you and Her. Do you have the strength to bear the consequences of your choice? If you think so, I will say one more thing: you’re trying to let things subside by themselves and pretend that nothing much has happened, and that is not a manifestation of strength and conscious choice, but rather an immaturity, irresponsibility, and playing around, mostly with yourself.

15.September.2015

I still can’t reach any understanding with you. Haven’t decided anything yet, I just can’t handle it, and I collapsed emotionally. I want to talk but you don’t want to, nothing is right. We quarrel we offend each other. I want to escape. During such collapses everything looks black and white. How to run away with two children….

Yet the children don’t bother me I can handle them. I just don’t know if this is the right way… I cannot balance myself around you. That’s why I want to leave. To disappear…I cannot think rationally now.

I really wanted to get over it and be happy together. Just need to get into rails, I can not take care of myself, and it strongly reflects on the others, especially my son.

 

16.September.2015

I can’t stop crying. A while ago I took a homeopathic remedy but I feel like it even increased my emotions. I feel self-pitying, inconsolable, and hopeless. I want to go back again and again to certain moments, and events to remember things again and hurt myself more and more, it became pathology. It’s not today, my reactions as a whole are beyond the normal for a long time…Although I realize that these endless dramas not only make me feel worse they harm me physically, I have some internal resistance to stop, I don’t know how to explain it. Yesterday I almost managed, maybe because of the remedy, I didn’t even want to think of it, and tonight I don’t know why it happened again.

 

I’m calmer, very distant, and aloof but it’s normal I suppose. I really don’t know how I will be a family with this person again…with you.

 

– – – – – – – – –

 

22.September.2015                                                

(On this day six years ago we conceived our firstborn son)

 

I go out through the slightly creaking metal gate of the yard and head left along the path into the woods. I already know the slight turns and curves, the tracks dug by the rarely passing cars, and the piled little stones over the semi-parched gully. Since we came here, since I know about Her every morning I would pass along this path up and into the woods.

I hear the muffled voices coming from below – yours and those of the kids. I sit for a while under the wild pear tree which shaded the small meadow where the deer rest. It’s there where the tall grass has reclined and its stalks are bent to mold a soft bed and shelter their velvet bodies. I usually smoke a cigarette or two and read through my phone different texts where I hope to find an explanation or at least comfort. But I don’t. I cry.

– – – – – – – – –

 

I recently listened to a [1]woman talking about traumas. How certain people would survive after a traumatic event while others succeed in really going back to life. The first group stays close to the ground; fights with everyday routines, and can’t rest and feel satisfaction, or faith in life. The second group lives with the awareness that they deserve to receive and are capable to feel real joy and love and live their lives in prosperity and happiness.

I wish one day, soon I could pass into the second group.

 

– – – – – – – – –

 

Interesting things happen to me. I didn’t go to Sofia, I couldn’t and didn’t want to. A relative calmness came over me and I almost accepted the idea that we would live with some lie and our relationship will be open to a certain extent. Maybe it is a pathological faltering to the other extreme; I still can’t understand. It’s clear that my attitude towards you, towards us is not and cannot be the same. I don’t want to give birth to other children of yours. Almost accepted the idea that you will fall in love and I will pass through this again. I hope it will be painless. I want to open up to you again; I’m not sure how – maybe as times go by it will come naturally.

It occurs to me to get in touch with this woman – I don’t know if it will give me something valuable or I will go further down. As if I want to get down, maybe it’s masochism. Or maybe I would understand more things about myself and will emerge above it. It’s hard to leave my beliefs, the idea of devotion, trust, dedication, and purity. And maybe they are all present in the other way of life and I’m just blind not to see them.

 

– – – – – – – – –

 

And I’m asking myself again should I call this girl? Or it will not bring me anything?

Probably it’s not my business. But I hope she would not lie to me, I would really understand what’s happening because I’m sure now that your word is rubbish.

I will try to settle. And just watch and realize and learn….nothing occurs at random. God is no fool.

25.September.2015

I’m not feeling centered, I sense I have lost my joy for life.

I wonder if I should contact some therapeutic It seems I cannot handle this…

Everything is still too intensive…

I think that you continue your relationship with Her, I don’t know wouldn’t it be better to withdraw I think I’ll go crazy if I continue to live that way. Yesterday you told me that there have been more emails you exchanged. I suppose still keep on with that.  And even if I’m wrong I already entered this kind of pathology and don’t know how to escape but to run away. Apparently, I can’t do it another way. I want to search your phone again and find evidence and keep hurting myself.

I’m thankful you shared it I think it’s a kind of progress. Hopefully, it’s not another attempt to throw dust in my eyes…I lost so much confidence that I don’t know if it is repairable.

 

– – – – – – – – –

 

 

A few days later I understood from Her that it was just another try. I don’t know which one was this – I stopped counting.

 

 

– – – – – – – – –

 

 

I know I can handle it. Yes, I read the statistics but so what. Four out of five leave their partner. So be it. I will be the fifth. I know I’m strong. A Goddess. I can stay in this with you and continue to love you though you don’t deserve it or because you deserve much more. And not because of you and because it is worth it or not; because of me. Because of the fullness in the feeling of love, devotion, and dedication. .

 

 

 

[1] The author is referring to Esther Perel, a Belgian psychotherapist

 

To be continued…

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